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Literature Text
He is about sixty percent dead. Maybe seventy percent, it’s hard to tell.
His long arms hang loosely on his shoulders and his lips are cracked, chewed. His damaged blue eyes lifelessly scan the book that lies on the table in front of him. Even though so numb and cold, his eyes don’t fail to amaze the people that stare at him curiously. They have a fascinating sparkle and are filled with wonders, but it’s easy to see that soon the power will fade. With time he collects scars. And with those scars, his life begins to leak and disappear down the rusted drain.
His handsome face is hidden underneath dark shadows, gaunt cheekbones, and much too pale skin. His callused hands have scars across the knuckles and bruises line the side of his neck. He taps his foot, tap, tap, tap. Pause. He looks up for a second and the girl across the room catches his eyes. He averts her gaze and turns back to his book anxiously. Tap, tap, tap.
Study his long dark lashes, the effort he takes to inhale and exhale, the purple scar that scales from his left eyebrow to the top of his hairline. Where have you been? Everywhere; nowhere. Silently loud, struggling to hide beneath the pages.
The way home is treacherous and terrifying, leaving him shaking and heaving. Foggy smoke drifts around his figure, enwrapping him with warm arms. Unwinding and unraveling, nothing is like the feeling… oh the feeling he could get. He can remember that one day at school, in the bathroom in the stall all the way in the back he tried it. Not so bad he thought. But his pockets are empty and a wallet nonexistent. So he continues home, the rain filling his sick lungs and the sun dropping silently.
When he gets home he doesn’t talk and only dares to breathe. But only once, maybe twice. Because in truth, it’s not home. It’s his worst version of hell. Feel the hand mark his face; hear the plate shattering behind his head, the shards flying like sparks of a plug. Listen as the yelling rings and the siren’s blare. Watch as he sits in front of the officers, telling the vile lies once again. Habits. It’s just old habits.
Rinse and repeat.
Rinse and repeat.
His mother brings him home in that tarnished car they bought from that shady dealer down the road seventeen years ago, the year he was born and the year it all started. You can tell because it has almost as many scars as he does. “Worth nothing,” she spits out as she comes to a jolting stop in the driveway. She slams the car door, dust flying into the cold night air and she points to the house. “just go to your goddamn room.”
He doesn’t feel the welt rising on his cheek or remember how the glass got lodged into his arms. He doesn’t question the burning in his eyes as he lies on his creaking bed. Nothing is like the searing in his chest, the aching pain. The lurching agony deep inside of him that enwraps his whole being so tightly, so angrily.
The next day, hiding behind the pages. Of course, again. The newfound marks and bruises go for the most part unnoticed as he hazily tries to concentrate on the words printed in front of him. But you notice the marks. His lips slight more chapped and torn, dried blood layering the surface. His eyes glassy, pale. Quivering hands and his breath quiet, broken, and uneven.
Hm. Upon observation, you realize. Maybe he’s about ninety percent dead.
His long arms hang loosely on his shoulders and his lips are cracked, chewed. His damaged blue eyes lifelessly scan the book that lies on the table in front of him. Even though so numb and cold, his eyes don’t fail to amaze the people that stare at him curiously. They have a fascinating sparkle and are filled with wonders, but it’s easy to see that soon the power will fade. With time he collects scars. And with those scars, his life begins to leak and disappear down the rusted drain.
His handsome face is hidden underneath dark shadows, gaunt cheekbones, and much too pale skin. His callused hands have scars across the knuckles and bruises line the side of his neck. He taps his foot, tap, tap, tap. Pause. He looks up for a second and the girl across the room catches his eyes. He averts her gaze and turns back to his book anxiously. Tap, tap, tap.
Study his long dark lashes, the effort he takes to inhale and exhale, the purple scar that scales from his left eyebrow to the top of his hairline. Where have you been? Everywhere; nowhere. Silently loud, struggling to hide beneath the pages.
The way home is treacherous and terrifying, leaving him shaking and heaving. Foggy smoke drifts around his figure, enwrapping him with warm arms. Unwinding and unraveling, nothing is like the feeling… oh the feeling he could get. He can remember that one day at school, in the bathroom in the stall all the way in the back he tried it. Not so bad he thought. But his pockets are empty and a wallet nonexistent. So he continues home, the rain filling his sick lungs and the sun dropping silently.
When he gets home he doesn’t talk and only dares to breathe. But only once, maybe twice. Because in truth, it’s not home. It’s his worst version of hell. Feel the hand mark his face; hear the plate shattering behind his head, the shards flying like sparks of a plug. Listen as the yelling rings and the siren’s blare. Watch as he sits in front of the officers, telling the vile lies once again. Habits. It’s just old habits.
Rinse and repeat.
Rinse and repeat.
His mother brings him home in that tarnished car they bought from that shady dealer down the road seventeen years ago, the year he was born and the year it all started. You can tell because it has almost as many scars as he does. “Worth nothing,” she spits out as she comes to a jolting stop in the driveway. She slams the car door, dust flying into the cold night air and she points to the house. “just go to your goddamn room.”
He doesn’t feel the welt rising on his cheek or remember how the glass got lodged into his arms. He doesn’t question the burning in his eyes as he lies on his creaking bed. Nothing is like the searing in his chest, the aching pain. The lurching agony deep inside of him that enwraps his whole being so tightly, so angrily.
The next day, hiding behind the pages. Of course, again. The newfound marks and bruises go for the most part unnoticed as he hazily tries to concentrate on the words printed in front of him. But you notice the marks. His lips slight more chapped and torn, dried blood layering the surface. His eyes glassy, pale. Quivering hands and his breath quiet, broken, and uneven.
Hm. Upon observation, you realize. Maybe he’s about ninety percent dead.
Literature
Breathe Slowly
Breathe slowly, and just listen to
the sounds of the world go by.
Step outside your comfort zone, and make an
effort not to hide.
Push yourself to do all things, and will yourself
to try.
Just breathe slowly, and everything will be
alright.
Take the time to breathe in slowly.
Literature
Trying to Clear My Mind
Invisible until,
a smile seen through a window.
A bright light ensnaring a moth.
Handsome, quiet mystery.
Many reasons to walk away,
but... a puzzle and I reluctantly,
obsessed. Trying to turn away,
but piqued by music, art, creativity!
Just let it go, let it go,
why can't I let it go. Filled with curiosity.
The best way out is through.
Must unravel the mystery.
Would he meet for coffee,
a phone call,
a text?
c2018 SAH
Literature
three syllables
So,
I am waiting dizzy with anticipation
my heart is suspended just above my shoulders
and not quite to my ears, my breathing is heavy-nervous
you see what i want to say is or see is or know is well i
am stumbling over words, phrases, paragraphs
to simply say, i think about you and hope that
you think about me too, because i really want
you to know that i want to know you
and that my stomach feels kind of sick
and my head is starting to pound
my brain is full of only one thought
it's...that there is three words,three syllables
repeating, repeating, repeating
pleasesayyes.
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If you think this should be labeled as mature, please let me know and I'll mark it
Um... yeah. I wasn't at first going for this, I was trying to come up with an opening scene for my novel and this happened. I decided I may use pieces of it for my novel... but probably not. I can't decide how I feel about this one. I at first thought I really loved it, but... it's hard to tell when I have no other opinion than my own. I'd really appreciate a critique on this one. Thoughts, comments?
Um... yeah. I wasn't at first going for this, I was trying to come up with an opening scene for my novel and this happened. I decided I may use pieces of it for my novel... but probably not. I can't decide how I feel about this one. I at first thought I really loved it, but... it's hard to tell when I have no other opinion than my own. I'd really appreciate a critique on this one. Thoughts, comments?
Comments10
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Overall
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Impact
I've given up on the rating stars permanently so everything is 4 stars. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/d/d…" width="21" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="574" title="I am a dummy!"/>
And with this critique, I raise from the dead!
You and your eye-catching opening lines. And that ending! Bam. That's the only word I have to describe them. If this was the opening chapter to a book, I would definitely read more than just the first page! It's mysterious, but reveals just enough to give the reader an idea that was so close that I could almost grasp it. Very poetic. I fell in love with the flow from the first few seconds of reading. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="357" title="Heart"/>
I don't know what exactly it was that gave me the chills while reading. I think that it was the way you've described everything as if there's an invisible narrator hanging around the MC, and the memories that are being spotlighted. It's as if we're in the same room, watching him and taking a look inside his brain. Very effective.
Now there were a few things that caught my eye...
Stale eyes seem to contrast with the description that they are sparkling. I'm not really sure if the image 'pale eyes' I got is what you meant to write, either.
I think you should scrap some of the adverbs too. For example; in one of your earlier sentences you describe a book with 'lifelessly.' But books aren't living things, so they are essentially always lifeless (unless we are talking about some creepy living book here, in which case I want to read more about said book! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="366" title=" (Big Grin)"/>)
Same goes for 'old tarnished car,' 'dim fascinating sparkle.' It didn't bother me too much, but they might be somewhat redundant.
In my honest opinion - it's an amazing opening, but I don't think it's the right one for 4D or whatever its name will be. Unless we're talking about a different novel? <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/a/a…" width="19" height="19" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="417" title="Sweating a little..."/> He's got blue eyes, so perhaps there's a story I don't know about... <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/e/e…" width="15" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="288" title="Eyes"/>
All in all a few minor things, but very enjoyable to read overall. I really love it too! Your stories are always an instant favorite for me. Thank you for creating them! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/d/d…" width="21" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="574" title="I am a dummy!"/>
This is just my opinion, bla bla, the same thing I end all my critiques with. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/l/l…" width="15" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="384" title="LOL"/> Hopefully I was helpful!
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="15" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="320" title="Peace"/>